By Pam Golden
“Like a drop of water falling on a rock, daily messages of criticism gradually, imperceptibly leave a destructive effect on children.” – Thomas Gordon
“The problem with you is you don’t enjoy your food! Why can’t you just chew it slowly instead of gulping it down?” Josie said to her 11-year-old son.
What’s wrong with the picture?
It sounds so simple doesn’t it? Josie thought she was giving good, well-meaning advice – constructive criticism. Yet the effects of those small comments often left her son feeling humiliated, angry and resentful. As with most “constructive criticism,” Josie focused on what was wrong with her son. I call this “Storm Cloud Criticism” because, just like a storm can devastate a community, certain types of criticism can devastate your child’s self-esteem and motivation.
Over time kids begin to see themselves as bad, irresponsible, thoughtless, dumb, inadequate, unloved, and even unlovable. This negative self-concept can carry into adulthood, crippling them for a lifetime.
What to do instead – Give Gentle, Appealing Feedback
When you take a wrong turn while driving, the last thing you need is for someone to tell you how wrong you are. What you need is help getting on the right path with a method that is inviting. You can do that with what I call “Sunshine Feedback.”
When giving “Sunshine Feedback.”
1. Start with a friendly beginning – how you start is usually how it ends. Instead of: “I’m tired of you wasting time watching television.” Try: “It looks like you’re really enjoying that show.”
2. Express your concern and ask for their ideas. Instead of: “You need to turn off television and do your homework now!” Try: ”I know you have homework tonight and I’m concerned you won’t get it done. When are you planning on doing it?”
3. Agree on a solution-what they come up with themselves they are way more likely to do. Instead of: “Alright, you said you’d get it done right after your television show, you better do it.” Try: “That sounds good, you’ll do your homework as soon as this show is over. Enjoy!”
4. Calmly follow-up: This may be the most critical step. When you take the time to calmly follow-up, your kids soon begin to take you at your word and they also begin to take their word seriously. If you let it slide, they begin to lose trust in you and in themselves. Instead of: “What’s the matter with you? You haven’t even started your homework and your show was finished ages ago.” Try: “I thought we agreed you’d do your homework right after your show. Can you get to it now?” OR Try: “You finished your homework right on schedule. That must feel good.”
5. Have a Happy Ending: How you end the encounter will linger and probably be how you start the next one. No matter what happened, find a way to leave a sweet taste with both of you. If it’s gone well, say, “Thanks.” If it hasn’t gone well, you can say, something like, “Well. This didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped, but thanks for sticking in there. We’ll do better next time.”
Also, did you know that one type of praise can produce self-defeating behavior and anxiety, while another can move your kids to positive action? Changing a few words can make a night and day difference in your child’s life. If you like to get started learning how to give praise that motivates positive action while building self-esteem and confidence in your child please download my FREE Report on “The Amazing Impact of Effective Praise” at: http://www.basiclifeskillsforchildren.com/amazingpraise
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Pam_Golden
