Coaching for a better life, better business, better you!

By Gareth A Williams
I’ve always found it strange how children born of the same parents and raised in the same household environment can have such differing personalities.

My two boys are a prime example. One has always been a more vocal, more aggressive personality; the other more mellow and laid-back. And I don’t believe it was the result of how they’ve been raised.

Even now, as teenagers, their differing personality traits are still evident. But it was definitely a challenge to handle and parent the more aggressive of my two boys when he was young. So, I thought I’d share some of what I found out about parenting such children.

First, it’s important to understand why children might display aggression or anger. It has to do with language skills, or lack thereof, in young children. Aggression, via actions and temperament, can result because young children do not have well-developed language skills. They may understand what’s being said, but they don’t have the ability to then express themselves verbally with the same degree of competence. That leads to feelings of helplessness, since the child’s feelings cannot be adequately expressed through language. As a result, they “act out” those feelings of frustration, helplessness and anger.

What can you do about it? First of all, you should make sure your child’s language skills are at a normal stage of development, as opposed to being hindered by some sort of disability (hearing, learning, etc.). Even though linguistic skills in children tend to develop at different rates, if you suspect your child’s aggression might be the result of a physical and/or learning disability, consider a visit to a speech pathologist or neurologist to rule out such possibilities.

When talking to your child about aggression, it’s important to use age-appropriate language the child can understand. Begin by first exploring the child’s feelings, and using the words he/she does know to express those feelings, rather than expressing them physically (hitting, biting, etc.). You may even try some role-playing with the child to demonstrate how you would like the child to behave when expressing negative feelings.

Also, be aware of two very important role models that may be working to instill the wrong behavior in children: your family, including any older children in the household; and, of course, the TV. There’s a great deal of conflict and violence on television, and it can often translate into emulated behavior in children. Similarly, the way you and your spouse express emotions and settle disputes can also have a big influence on your children, so keep that in mind. Even changes to a parent’s normal routine (a work schedule, for example) can trigger aggressive behavior in a child, so take this into account as well should you see a sudden change in your child.

Lastly, understand that, like adults, children need to feel they have some control in their lives. Aggression is often the normal approach a young child uses to gain or regain control, so instilling a sense of self-control in children, and consistently reinforcing this over time: